Author: Cat

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March/April update

So. My grand plans for March veered quite some way off track.

A lot of this was down to the impact of Tropical Cyclone Alfred. Not the direct effects of the cyclone, which turned out to be a bit of a fizzer in my neighbourhood. But the preparations – staying at home, prepping for disaster, existing under the weight of impending doom – stirred up some forgotten feelings from the early days of the COVID pandemic. Plus, that week or so all my routines went out the window, and while I have known for a long time that my routines keep me together, I really found out just how much I rely on predictability and normalcy to deal with whatever else life throws at me: that is, quite a lot.

For the last month or so, I’ve been in a depressive phase. This happens now and then, it’s one of the features of having bipolar malware installed on my operating system. Usually though the funk lifts after two or three weeks. This one has been at least five so far, since TC Alfred, though if you were to ask my partner, he’d say I was even a bit wobbly for maybe a couple of weeks before that. Alfred just tore the tape off the box and shook everything out I guess. I’m still picking bits up.

So things are hard right now, and by that I mean doing anything is hard right now. I’m not feeling negative about myself, which is a nice thing, but I just feel overwhelmingly flat and I’m struggling to care about most things. I’m keeping up with work, which is positive, both because I would quite like to keep my job but also work brings structure, and structure is helpful. I’m mostly keeping up with uni – I have a couple of assessments due late next week and while I wouldn’t say I’m on top of them exactly, they’re in progress and getting them done and submitted is achievable. I’ve been having difficulty with things like washing my hair – I’m usually a twice a week kind of shampooer and I went for two full weeks without washing my hair recently. That might not sound like much but it’s a pretty significant symptom in my world.

My great plans around eating healthfully and abstaining temporarily from booze are out the window for now, but I have been successful the past couple of weeks with getting to the gym and lifting weights. Weight training is powerfully good for my mental health, so I figured I’ll just forget about food and focus on that for a while. I’m talking to myself about going to the gym as being medicine, and it’s important not to skip doses. That helps.

I think the depression is lifting, finally. I haven’t had a downswing last this long in many years. I’ve thought about why this time might have been so persistent, and honestly it may be that there’s no reason at all. Depression doesn’t need a reason. But there are plenty of factors that might be at play. Perimenopause is one, because it messes with everything. My job is another – I mentioned before that my job provides structure and it does, but it’s not the kind of structure I used to get from a 9-to-5 desk job. It also compromises my sleep patterns when I do late or night shifts, which I generally deal with pretty well but it is still probably a contributing factor. Being in my final year of nursing studies means I’m in a transitional period, and that alone is a bit destabilising. I’m in a place where I’m having to make a few big decisions which is a little bit stressful. And so on.

I thought I’d write about it all because I think it helps to share, sometimes. I’ve found my friends usually want to know when I’m not feeling okay, because it gives them an opportunity to be supportive – and I’ve also found it’s good for me to accept support now and then too. Also, I don’t see a lot of people talking much about experiences of managing bipolar disorder as a long-termer. I’ve been diagnosed for a bit over twenty years now I think, and taken lithium for most of that time. I’m an old hand. Being depressed is just something that happens now and then and usually I just breathe deep and try to be a little kinder to myself for a while, and it passes. It always passes, and knowing that is a gift. Exercise usually helps me too. Finding motivation to exercise when you’re depressed is hard and for some people it’s insurmountable, but again I have the benefit of experience to help nudge me along – I know it works because I’ve lived it, many times. 

Anyway. Checking in on my goals for 2025:

1. Solstices, equinoxes, and cross-quarter festivals.

Mabon kind of came and went without much fanfare, but I did think about it a bit and as a result I’ve been more tuned in to the change in seasons, I think. Next is Samhain and I have some thoughts about how I will acknowledge that, using it as a prompt to remember people I’ve lost and reflect on what they have given me in life and beyond. I’ll probably also meditate a bit on grief and how it holds open space for people we’ve loved.

2. Pee more/eat more beans

Doing well at peeing more – I’ve been very strict about going for a pee every time I have a break at work. Beans, not so successful, though I have recently been eating cold tofu quite a bit which probably sort of counts. Plus it’s delicious.

3. Chamber orchestra/ballet

I played in my first chamber orchestra concert! I’m going to take a break in term 2 – there’s just too much going on with uni. I’m also considering leaving chamber orchestra for a bit and instead playing with the Queensland Medical Orchestra. It’s a bigger orchestra so more interesting instruments, their repertoire is probably more my style, and helpfully, they have fewer rehearsals in the lead up to each concert which means committing will be a bit easier for me.

I haven’t managed ballet yet this year but I feel like if I keep at the gym thing, that kinda counts too.

4. Booze: 75 days for drinking

Slightly ahead of where I’d like to be, but still more or less on track. I’m up to 24 days so far. I’ve also decided that even if I do end up going past 75 days this year, I’m still going to keep track, because it will give me a start point for next year. Progress is progress.

5. Reduce choices

This is a gradual process but I’m getting there. I am finding every time I manage to simplify something, I appreciate it and I enjoy the ‘new normal’ that results. 

6. Graduate!

My next steps (apart from getting assignments done) are to complete this semester’s 4-week placement, and then get my application done and in for graduate programs next year. I will need to make some decisions in the coming weeks about my preferences. My preferences for hospital and health districts are easy, it’s my specialty areas that are making me think. Once I’ve done my placement I’ll have a good idea about whether I want to go for an emergency department role or stick with general medical. I might be over-thinking the process (moi??) but I’ll work it out one way or another.

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You’re speaking my language, baby

Yesterday there was a patient in the room I was working in whose first language is Spanish. The patient speaks English perfectly well but occasionally lapses into Spanish. Usually I just say ‘en Ingles, por favor!’ and smile and the patient smiles and switches back.

Anyway my RN was working with that patient and trying to communicate simple instructions to help them move to another room.

The patient asked the nurse several times, ‘Como se nombre?’ My RN kept trying to gently explain what they needed from the patient (‘this way, this way, here is your walker’) and the patient kept repeating their question.

I called out across the room: ‘Do you want to know the nurse’s name? The nurse’s name is…’

The patient was delighted. ‘Ah!’ they said and smiled. My RN said, ‘oh, do you understand Spanish, that’s great!’

I said ‘No, not really. I just grew up watching Sesame Street.’

Now the patient knew their nurse’s name – at least for the moment – and they were able to focus and follow instructions about walking.

I’m learning more and more that having even just a few words in another language can help break big communication barriers. I had a Bosnian patient once with almost no English but they loved that I said ‘da’ and ‘ne’. The rest we muddled through with language cards. I have had a Samoan patient who was endlessly grateful that I pronounced their name correctly (tip: in my experience, for most Pasifika languages, if you just pronounce all of the consonants and all of the vowels you’ll be pretty close, Maōri has a few tricky sounds like ‘wh’). That patient said, ‘you are the only person who says my name the right way’ which went such a long way to helping us work together positively.

I haven’t yet been able to follow up on my Auslan studies this year the way I planned to. Committing to weekly classes around student nursing schedules is remarkably difficult. But I am going to persevere. I’ve joined an Auslan social conversation (and op-shopping!) group and I’m looking forward to heading out for coffee with them next weekend 🙌🏻

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February update

Given I’m having feelings about many social media platforms, I thought I might try reviving my blogging habits. So here we are: an update for February.

I started working at a major tertiary hospital here as a student nurse about four weeks ago. I expected it to be challenging and it is, but sometimes in ways I don’t expect. I expected that I would be working with patients who have much more complex health conditions than I’d worked with previously, and I was absolutely correct. Be careful what you wish for, as they say. I have my first night shift tonight so that will be interesting too. Night shifts are part of the deal with nursing, so it’s a good way to get started putting into practice good sleep and eating habits while doing shift work.

Checking back in on my 2025 plans and priorities for a bit:

1. Solstices, equinoxes, and cross-quarter festivals.
I mostly did thinking about Lunasa on 1 Feb, but it was a good opportunity to take stock of how I’m investing my time and energies this year, and what I want to ‘harvest’ from it. Starting work as a student nurse was fitting and I did quite a bit of planning.

Mabon is next: the middle harvest festival at the equinox. I’m thinking about organising a get-together with some like-minded folks that evening to celebrate. Study will be moving into the hectic phase of semester by that point, so it will be important for me to prioritise balance in work, study, and social lives in the lead up to Samhain.

2. Pee more/eat more beans
I am doing well at prioritising listening to my body and not putting off pee breaks, gradually building new habits. I’ve been prioritising eating more vegetables which has been good. In March, I’m going to spend a month being quite strict about what I eat and I’m choosing to have an entire booze-free month. Kind of a reset.

3. Chamber orchestra/ballet
I haven’t yet been to a ballet class this year, mainly for financial reasons. I’m earning far less as a part-time student nurse than I did as a full-time public servant, so I don’t have the discretionary funds to do whatever I want all the time. Also, part of the reason I don’t have funds for ballet classes is because I rashly decided to get another multi-session tattoo which is in progress. I’ll post pictures when it’s finished, but it’s mostly done and it’s healing well. So once my tattoo is complete, I can reconsider ballet classes. I’ve kept up my gym membership though, so getting in there more often is just about prioritising. Just gotta do it.

Orchestra, I’ve been going to most rehearsals and I have made sure I have our March concert date free in my diary, so I’m on track for 2 performances this year.

4. Booze: 75 days for drinking
I’ve chosen to drink alcohol on 11 days so far this year, so I’m on track to keep it at or under 75. I am keeping a list!

5. Reduce choices
Still working on this. Part of my strategy has been to write out processes for shift work, basically lists of what I need to do before my shift (what kind of meal/snack to pack, take meds before PM shifts, grab my transit pass before AM shifts, etc). Less thinking on the daily and more box-ticking. I have also set up an area in our study with my work uniforms, so that when I start early or finish late I have what I need in a room where I’m not disturbing anyone’s sleep.

I’m also doing a year-long project to cull my wardrobe. I’ve tied a scarf to the hanging rail – everything starts hung to the left of the scarf, anything I wear this year gets hung to the right. At the end of 2025 I’ll take stock of what’s still on the left, and likely donate it all.

6. Graduate!
My next student placement will start in April – four weeks at a busy emergency department. Over the past week and a bit I’ve passed the two assessments required before I can attend placement. I had to re-sit one of those assessments, which is a first for me. I understood the reasons our group didn’t meet the required standard and was able to take that feedback on board and run with it for my second attempt a few days later. In a way it was probably good that I had to re-sit, as my performance was much better overall. I went much more in-depth with my learning and I’m more confident with my result than I might otherwise have been.

Study is otherwise going well so far. I have about 5 weeks of classes starting this week, then it’s self-paced learning for the semester. On paper it all looks very manageable, but I suspect that particularly once I get into placement it’s going to get a bit hectic for a while. I just have two semesters to get through and it’s done though. We have a group assignment this semester which I always loathe, but I’ve found a group of mature aged students to work with and I think they’re going to be good colleagues.

So that’s where we’re at towards the end of February. The first couple of months have been good so far and I’ve been working steadily through my plans for the year.

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2025: goals and priorities

Me setting goals for 2025

1. The shape of my year: I’ve decided to observe the major pagan festivals – solstices, equinoxes, and cross-quarter festivals. I feel like I want to be more in touch with the passing of time in the natural world and pay more attention to the seasons. It also means that every 6-7 weeks I’ll have a point at which to pause and take stock and that feels like a useful interval for regular check-ins.

Next festival in the southern hemisphere is Lúnasa, the first of three harvest festivals. It will be a good time to think about what I am ‘harvesting’ this year – to take stock of where my energies are going, what I’m committed to this year and what I’m investing in. This lines up with the commencement of study for 2025 and my starting a new job as a student nurse, so plenty to reflect on and journal about.

2. Pee more and eat more beans on toast: these are two simple ways I want to prioritise my health this year. The first is to be mindful of my body and help develop my interoception. When I am on nursing shifts it’s easy to push my body’s needs aside to focus on patient care. This year I will build mindful habits (like taking regular pee breaks) to prioritise my body’s needs even when work is busy.

Beans on toast makes me happy, it’s a simple, delicious breakfast. It’s high fibre and low fat. It’s also a breakfast I will eat at home rather than at work, as I need to sit down at a table and take my time – so it’s a way of being mindful about eating. The idea is to extend this mindfulness to eating in general, but I’m going to start with beans on toast.

3. Perform in two chamber orchestra concerts this year and go to ballet classes regularly: music brings me joy, and it always has. I bought a viola last year after a 25-year hiatus, and joined a local chamber orchestra. The orchestra performs four concerts each year – this year I want to do at least two of them. Work and clinical placement makes attendance difficult sometimes so I’m not aiming for four, but I think two is a good goal.

Ballet is physical exercise which is a good goal in itself, but moving to music also fills me with joy. It feels good to try to make even simple exercises beautiful and flowing as I perform them, and although I am not innately graceful, ballet is a way to embrace being quite bad at something while slowly building skill and enjoying the process.

4. Drinking more mindfully: you can definitely have too much of a good thing. As I get older, I still enjoy drinking alcohol for a range of reasons, but it does tend to get in the way of other things that are important sometimes. This year, I am choosing to limit the number of days I drink alcohol to 75, preferably at social events that include food.

5. Reduce choices: I’m plagued by decision fatigue. One way I am reducing choices is to cull my wardrobe more savagely. I’ve discovered I love jumpsuits – one item of clothing and I’m dressed! (Dresses don’t quite hit the mark in the same way for me because my glorious thunder-and-lightning thighs mean if I wear a dress, I also need to choose a second garment to wear underneath so it really is as many decisions as wearing a top and pants.) Anyway with this in mind, over the course of the year I plan to strip my wardrobe down to as few pieces as I can manage. And not just my wardrobe: anywhere I can reduce choices, especially by reducing ‘stuff’, I’m going to make those changes. (Except guitars.)

Over the past year I’ve found myself imposing little routines in several places and it makes my life so much easier. For example I pack almost exactly the same thing to eat at work every day. They’re pre-packed food items but they’re not unhealthy: instant porridge, ready-to-eat lentil curries and rice. I don’t think, I just stash them in a bag and go. My scrubs live on a separate rack in the study, so everything I need to get dressed early in the morning is right there. And I wear the same pair of boots pretty much everywhere, work and play. It gives me room to think about things that matter.

6. Graduate! This is the big one, this year I’m finally going to graduate and be registered with AHPRA as a registered nurse. Part of this goal is to secure a graduate placement. I’m in a very strong position, if I perform well as a student nurse this year, to obtain a grad position in a big tertiary hospital. I have three more units that will contribute to my final GPA this year, so I’m aiming for at least a 6 in each of those units. They’re third-year subjects so it’s going to be a challenge but I am up for it. If I can keep my GPA high I’ll also be awarded my degree ‘with honours’ which has been a consistent goal over the past four years.

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Spaghetti bolognese

This Christmas, I’d like to give you my bolognese sauce recipe.

My recipe shares some similarities with a proper Italian ragù, but it’s not what you’d call an authentic recipe. It’s just a really good meat sauce recipe for pasta. Kids like it, and adults do too. I make it for dinner at home, and I make it for dinners with friends.

This recipe makes a big batch of sauce – could easily serve 8, maybe more. I usually make a batch this big and freeze some for easy dinners later. If you prefer to make enough just for dinner (and maybe some leftovers), halve everything.

Pretty much everything is negotiable, in terms of quantities. Sometimes I go to make this and discover I don’t have carrots or celery, so I just leave them out. Or I have more capsicum in the crisper than anyone honestly needs, so I throw in more than usual.

With the optional anchovies and bacon/speck, most often I use one or the other. You can use both and sometimes I do, but either ingredient does the salty-umami thing they’ve been seconded to do.

  • This recipe is dairy free, if you don’t use the optional cream.
  • It’s gluten free if you use gluten free pasta.
  • It is not very vegetarian and you can’t really make it so: meat substitutes won’t work so well with this kind of longer simmer time.

Ingredients:

Olive oil
1 medium to large onion, finely chopped
2-3 stalks Italian parsley, finely chopped
2-4 cloves of garlic, peeled and squashed a bit
1 large or 2 medium carrots, diced
3-4 celery sticks (without leaves, though you could finely chop some and use them too), diced
1 large capsicum/sweet pepper, diced
3-4 anchovy fillets (optional)
2 rashers of chopped bacon or a big handful of finely chopped speck (optional)
1kg beef or pork mince, or a mixture of both (mixture is ideal)*
1/2 to 1 cup dry vermouth or dry white wine
3-4 tablespoons of tomato paste**
1 400g can crushed Italian tomatoes
2-4 dried bay leaves
1-2 tsp dried organo
grated nutmeg to taste – I run a whole nutmeg over a grater maybe 12-15 times.
Salt and pepper
More chopped parsley (optional)
1-2 tbsp cream (optional)
Freshly cooked pasta
Parmesan for serving

Method

  1. The chopping, oh the chopping. Chop everything before you start. Put some music on and relax into it – you’re going to be chopping for a while, but it’s worth it.*
  2. Glug some olive oil into a big pan over medium high heat, either a deep frying pan or a larger pot. Add onion and stir gently until translucent. Add parsley and move around the pan until it’s fragrant.
  3. Pour in your chopped vegies: carrot, celery, and capsicum. Sauté until soft. If you’re using anchovy fillets, add them now too. Stir here and there until the anchovies break down and almost disappear.
  4. You can either leave the vegies in the pan at this point, or pour them out into a bowl to set aside for the moment. It all depends on how big your pan is and whether it’s maintaining heat well enough to cook the meat.
  5. Add bacon/speck to the pan if using and cook until the fat is translucent – if you’ve taken the vegies out, you might need a smidge more oil. Then add the beef and/or pork. Brown the meat slightly and add the bruised cloves of garlic. Keep cooking, turning the meat occasionally until it’s well browned.
  6. Vermouth time! Dry white wine is also fine, but I think dry vermouth gives a little lift to savoury dishes. You want to let this cook down until the liquid is nearly gone. Then add tomato paste and stir through until the meat is coated evenly.
  7. If you removed the vegies and set them aside, add them back in now and stir through.
  8. Add liquid to the pan:
    • Pour in the tinned chopped tomatoes and juice.
    • If you’re planning to serve this in the next hour, add enough water (or stock if you prefer) so that it’s quite loose and watery, but still looks a bit like a pasta sauce.
    • If you have the luxury of slow cooking this over a few hours, add as much liquid as you like. It will all cook off and you’ll still likely need to top it up once or twice.
  9. Toss in oregano, bay leaves, and grate in nutmeg.
  10. Once it starts to bubble, turn down to a simmer and let sit, stirring occasionally, for as long as it takes for the sauce to reduce and thicken. If I’m slow cooking with lots of liquid, I might stir every half hour at first. If it’s a quicker cook, or if I’m nearing serving time, I’ll check it more often.
  11. Optional step: once the sauce is pretty well done, stir in a tablespoon or two of cream. A proper ragu normally includes milk in an earlier step – I do that sometimes and it’s very nice, but usually if I want to make my sauce richer and creamier I stir through a little cream at the end instead.
  12. Another optional step: stir through a big handful of chopped Italian parsley. I nearly always do this – it freshens the sauce up.
  13. Search through the sauce with a spoon and fish out the garlic cloves. (Or don’t, and just pick them out when you find them as you serve.) Season generously with salt and pepper.
  14. Mix some sauce through freshly cooked pasta. Serve into bowls and top with a big spoonful or two of sauce, topped with grated parmesan if that’s how you like it.

BONUS TIP: As soon as you’ve drained your cooked pasta, lob in a piece of butter and drizzle with balsamic vinegar. Mix through to coat. Then mix through the sauce as in step 14.

* You can use finely chopped beef and pork if you want to be fancy. It is very good if you do it this way, though it’s a lot of chopping! If you use chopped beef and/or pork, it’s best if you let the sauce simmer for a few hours so the meat breaks down. It’s not as good for a 30-40 minute simmer.

** About 3 Australian (20ml) tablespoons, maybe 4 (15ml) tablespoons everywhere else)

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Getting back into familiar territory

I was in my mid 30s when I started lifting weights. I’m in my mid 40s now.

In the interim I’ve developed psoriatic arthritis, I’ve torn a meniscus, and some of the discs in my lumbar spine have compressed. So I’m not working with the same body I worked with then. It is a very good body still, but it is a body that needs a little more care and consideration to function well.

It’s been 5 or 6 years since I was last in the gym regularly, so the past 3 and a bit weeks have been a careful journey of discovery. I’ve started again almost at the beginning, with a 5×5 strength program. Big, compound lifts, starting with just the 20kg bar and progressing incrementally at each workout.

Except for deadlifts: I didn’t start with 20kg as the program prescribes. The deadlift is my favourite lift and I used to be very good at it. Not competition level (I have never aspired to compete), but still very good. At my fittest, I could pick up 120kg from the floor, and that was just over one and a half times my body weight at that time which is sort of a cool thing.

So I ‘cheated’ – I started my deadlift sets at 60kg. Once upon a time that was my warm up lift to get into the groove, but three weeks ago it felt a lot like work.

Today I deadlifted 80kg, and it felt good.I don’t have many clearly defined fitness goals at this point in my life. I am working with the body I have, and it is a very good body, but it might not be able to do all the things it could do in my thirties. I think in most lifts, my progress will be a little slower and I will need to be more careful to manage risk.

But I’m pretty sure my deadlift will progress solidly, and while I don’t have a strict timeline, I want to be able to deadlift 100kg for reps again. That will make me happy.

I’m 80% of the way there.

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It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times

December 30: 2020 24 hours to go (almost).

This year is the first year we’ve begun and ended in our own home, and that’s probably one of the things I’m most grateful for.

Our house is something that’s brought me joy all year.

It’s a thing I never thought would be real for me, and we’ve done better: we’re not just in a solid place, we’re ahead on the mortgage.

It feels like so many things are possible now for our family long-term.

At the other end of the spectrum, I went to three funerals this year, which is not something I would like to repeat soon.

Two were older family members and while I feel those losses, they seem somehow like the natural order of things.

The other, I’m still deciding when to smoke the Romeo y Julieta I took from his final stash, and I tear up when I think about it.

It’s sitting on my bookshelf.

I figure I’ll know, when I know.

COVID has been a strange and constant companion, not all bad: I like not being crowded into lifts.

I like more space on trains.

I’m quite happy to sanitise my hands and I don’t even mind wearing masks when I need to.

I’ve really enjoyed sewing masks for friends and colleagues who didn’t have them.

Part of me wonders why we didn’t do these things before.

People are gross, right?

During lockdown I bought an electric guitar and started guitar lessons – after 30+ years of playing acoustic.

(That first question from the guitar school was fun to answer: have you played guitar at all before?)

Learning to play better and differently has been really fun and it’s made me a better musician in other ways – surprisingly, especially on saxophone.

I started lessons via Skype, so my first in person lesson was super weird and I was anxious about it, but it turned out my teacher is magnificently nerdy so we hit it off just fine.

I’d like to thank him for the Diablo III tips, which have entirely changed the course of my holiday gaming.

Lockdown was hard and isolating, but the increased pace of my job was harder.

April was 6am starts and 8pm finishes (not because I was done, but because I drew a line), answering questions from scared and angry people all day on the internet.

Going back to work after lockdown was an added complication.

I found myself incredibly, stay awake at night anxious – not out of fear of the virus, but social anxiety.

I’d forgotten how much people frighten me, but I managed that okay in the end.

Like most kinds of anxiety I deal with, diving back in and just dealing with it was the most effective way to deal with it.

They call it exposure therapy.

Exposure therapy is the most effective kind of anxiety therapy for me.

I also started seeing my psychologist again and that too was helpful.Hit me up if you need a referral, because he’s awesome.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy sounds kinda woo-woo, but getting back into it meant I re-learned the value of intention: of doing what you mean to do because it matters to you.

Many things are easier if you have conviction.

Choice is power.

Speaking of health professionals, I sacked my rheumatologist this year, which was a relief.

She is perfectly competent and actually probably bloody good really, but I have always felt her judgement.

After sticking with her for 5 years I reckon I’ve given the relationship a decent chance, and I’m tired of feeling on the defensive every appointment.

I have a 15 year plus relationship with my psychiatrist, and she challenges me but doesn’t make me feel like shit when she does it.

So you know what?

I realised it’s not me that’s the problem.

And I realised there are plenty of other competent rheumatologists out there.

So I have an appointment with a different one in a few weeks.

I’m told she’s kind.

This year I also became the mother of a teenager.

Which sounds a bit like I just adopted one from somewhere, but actually the kid I already have turned 13.

He’s huge, incidentally.

He’s a monumental dickhead at times but I love him more than he’ll ever really understand.

I changed my job in February.

Still in government, but moved into digital media.

I like my job, and more importantly, I like the people I work with.

I’m less keen on my job security being tied to the election cycle and I’m even less keen to go through an election campaign again.

So I don’t plan to.I’m kinda done with politics.

In October I applied to study a Bachelor of Nursing.

I’m now enrolled in two units, and I start in February.

I already have my student card.

I feel like the pace of this year – with coronavirus, and the election – hasn’t given me a lot of time to process all the big events.

If I pause to reflect, there are a lot of feelings there and I kinda tear up a bit.

I think I might be processing some of these things into 2021.

But that’s okay.

The most important part of this year has been my partner.

He’s kind and resilient and he has beautiful hair.

And he’s here for me whenever I need him.

He’s my touchstone.

My rock.

My anchor.

I have hope for 2021.

I hope you do too.

We already know it’s going to start out strange, but I believe there are better things ahead.

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On the telephone line I am anyone

An elderly woman rang the office today to offer some tinned goods for donation. We talked for a little while, about her cockatiel and his love of baked beans and celery, and her husband of 62 years who’d gone into respite care that day because he has dementia.

He will never come home, because his dementia is the kind that caused him to become violent towards his wife. He was especially angry this morning, and went after her with a broom.

And I don’t know that we resolved anything really, though I suggested setting jelly inside drinking straws for her cockatiel to nibble at. And we couldn’t pick up the tins of food she wanted to donate, so she will need to find someone else to take them, or else throw them out. She doesn’t have family nearby who could drop them off to us, or to help her manage her husband’s condition.

I hope that one day, when I’m an old lady and something kind of big happens, that the person on the other end of the phone will take a minute to talk to me.

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Requiem

Senescent, wasting, her breath rakes across hospital linen.

Tonight, a whispered invitation floats toward her hospital bed: the ferryman has saved her a seat on the prow and they shall set sail by dawn. Her hair will once more fly in the breeze.

She refused chemotherapy and cut off her breasts.
Her children are pulled ever to her bosom,
faces pressed relentlessly into bitter scars,
airless.

Under the sheet, she is still.

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Iron butterflies

A barbell loded with 2 20kg plates

I spent some time thinking while I was deadlifting this evening, as you do.

In conversation a few nights ago I was asked if lifting is like aikido, and at the time I said ‘no, not really’. On reflection I think the truth is a little more nuanced than that.

When I lift, I know exactly where the bar is before I start. I move the bar into position – when I deadlift, I roll the bar gently toward my shins to set it ready for the upward pull. Before I lift, I put tension on the bar – it’s not quite a lift before it becomes a lift, but I get the feel of it first before I pull. I have heard it described as if when I am lifting a hundred kilograms, I need to be consciously lifting at least ninety-nine before I try to break contact with the floor.

Moving the bar into position is a little like blending with an opponent – it’s finding my opponent’s centre and moving it to where I can apply force. Applying tension before actually lifting is reminiscent of finding an opponent’s balance point before I throw. The movements are slower, more deliberate, and I am always in control; but I think there are some parallels.

It’s different though, significantly enough that I find cross-disciplinary translations confusing. Lifting is a calculated process, thought out before a lift begins. I approach the bar with intent, like I move with intent in aikido, but unlike aikido I more or less have a fully formed plan to work with and I can follow it to its conclusion.

When I lift, tension is key. As in anything, unnecessary tension is counterproductive, but a successful lift requires muscle groups to be set in position and held firmly. For a deadlift, that’s a held breath, a rock hard torso, shoulders set back and gluteal muscles engaged. Deviation from a set motor pattern means a failed lift – or injury. My commitment to a lift requires a full body response, and I do not begin until I have connected with every muscle I will need.

Aikido Kokikai badge on a dogi sleeve

Aikido seems a polar opposite. When in doubt, relax. If the technique isn’t working, use less strength – feel for the tipping point, gently, gently. The more muscle tension I hold in my body, the less able I am to feel where I need to be and how to join with my opponent. I impose my will on the barbell, but I need to blend with my partner’s will in aikido – and I find myself having to completely relearn physical responses that I have worked hard to build in a weightlifting context. Aikido feels completely counterintuitive, where weightlifting seemed to fall naturally into place.

O Sensei said, ‘one should be prepared to receive ninety-nine percent of an enemy’s attack and stare death right in the face’.

I lift weights which could permanently disable me if I slip. It’s not melodramatic to suggest that some of those weights could even kill me, given a sufficiently unfortunate accident. Were I to fall underneath the weight of a loaded barbell across my shoulders, the consequences would be distinctly non-trivial.

When I approach a significantly heavy weight, at the same time that I am preparing to take hold of the bar I also want nothing to do with it at all – because I know my opponent, and it is powerful. To take the weight, I prepare for the force it will exert on my body: I know that it will tax me, perhaps to my limits; I know often it will hurt. Bruises are a regular take-home from the gym. Although I take precautions to prevent accidents – safety rails, or help from a ‘spotter’ – I take that danger and absorb it. It becomes mine, and I commit to the lift.

In his essay ‘The Iron‘ Henry Rollins reflects on the lessons he learned from lifting. He sees lifting as a journey of self-discovery, an anchor to reality and a form of meditation. Rollins’s essay resonates with me deeply: lifting is a solitary meditation, a teacher which leads me to insights about myself, the world, and my place in it. It calms and centres me, and leaves me better equipped to respond to others thoughtfully and kindly.

Aikido is less solitary, but there’s something about landing repeatedly on the floor that also offers insights into who I am and where I belong. There aren’t so many meditative moments – at least not while I’m on the mat – but perhaps that will come in time. The one point I access with my hands on a barbell seems elusive on the tatami, which frustrates me, but once I find it consistently perhaps I will find more overlap between disciplines.

Rollins said, ‘Muscle mass does not always equal strength. Strength is kindness and sensitivity. Strength is understanding that your power is both physical and emotional. That it comes from the body and the mind. And the heart.’

And in this, I find the same mind in both lifting and aikido.