So. My grand plans for March veered quite some way off track.
A lot of this was down to the impact of Tropical Cyclone Alfred. Not the direct effects of the cyclone, which turned out to be a bit of a fizzer in my neighbourhood. But the preparations – staying at home, prepping for disaster, existing under the weight of impending doom – stirred up some forgotten feelings from the early days of the COVID pandemic. Plus, that week or so all my routines went out the window, and while I have known for a long time that my routines keep me together, I really found out just how much I rely on predictability and normalcy to deal with whatever else life throws at me: that is, quite a lot.
For the last month or so, I’ve been in a depressive phase. This happens now and then, it’s one of the features of having bipolar malware installed on my operating system. Usually though the funk lifts after two or three weeks. This one has been at least five so far, since TC Alfred, though if you were to ask my partner, he’d say I was even a bit wobbly for maybe a couple of weeks before that. Alfred just tore the tape off the box and shook everything out I guess. I’m still picking bits up.
So things are hard right now, and by that I mean doing anything is hard right now. I’m not feeling negative about myself, which is a nice thing, but I just feel overwhelmingly flat and I’m struggling to care about most things. I’m keeping up with work, which is positive, both because I would quite like to keep my job but also work brings structure, and structure is helpful. I’m mostly keeping up with uni – I have a couple of assessments due late next week and while I wouldn’t say I’m on top of them exactly, they’re in progress and getting them done and submitted is achievable. I’ve been having difficulty with things like washing my hair – I’m usually a twice a week kind of shampooer and I went for two full weeks without washing my hair recently. That might not sound like much but it’s a pretty significant symptom in my world.
My great plans around eating healthfully and abstaining temporarily from booze are out the window for now, but I have been successful the past couple of weeks with getting to the gym and lifting weights. Weight training is powerfully good for my mental health, so I figured I’ll just forget about food and focus on that for a while. I’m talking to myself about going to the gym as being medicine, and it’s important not to skip doses. That helps.
I think the depression is lifting, finally. I haven’t had a downswing last this long in many years. I’ve thought about why this time might have been so persistent, and honestly it may be that there’s no reason at all. Depression doesn’t need a reason. But there are plenty of factors that might be at play. Perimenopause is one, because it messes with everything. My job is another – I mentioned before that my job provides structure and it does, but it’s not the kind of structure I used to get from a 9-to-5 desk job. It also compromises my sleep patterns when I do late or night shifts, which I generally deal with pretty well but it is still probably a contributing factor. Being in my final year of nursing studies means I’m in a transitional period, and that alone is a bit destabilising. I’m in a place where I’m having to make a few big decisions which is a little bit stressful. And so on.
I thought I’d write about it all because I think it helps to share, sometimes. I’ve found my friends usually want to know when I’m not feeling okay, because it gives them an opportunity to be supportive – and I’ve also found it’s good for me to accept support now and then too. Also, I don’t see a lot of people talking much about experiences of managing bipolar disorder as a long-termer. I’ve been diagnosed for a bit over twenty years now I think, and taken lithium for most of that time. I’m an old hand. Being depressed is just something that happens now and then and usually I just breathe deep and try to be a little kinder to myself for a while, and it passes. It always passes, and knowing that is a gift. Exercise usually helps me too. Finding motivation to exercise when you’re depressed is hard and for some people it’s insurmountable, but again I have the benefit of experience to help nudge me along – I know it works because I’ve lived it, many times.
Anyway. Checking in on my goals for 2025:
1. Solstices, equinoxes, and cross-quarter festivals.
Mabon kind of came and went without much fanfare, but I did think about it a bit and as a result I’ve been more tuned in to the change in seasons, I think. Next is Samhain and I have some thoughts about how I will acknowledge that, using it as a prompt to remember people I’ve lost and reflect on what they have given me in life and beyond. I’ll probably also meditate a bit on grief and how it holds open space for people we’ve loved.
2. Pee more/eat more beans
Doing well at peeing more – I’ve been very strict about going for a pee every time I have a break at work. Beans, not so successful, though I have recently been eating cold tofu quite a bit which probably sort of counts. Plus it’s delicious.
3. Chamber orchestra/ballet
I played in my first chamber orchestra concert! I’m going to take a break in term 2 – there’s just too much going on with uni. I’m also considering leaving chamber orchestra for a bit and instead playing with the Queensland Medical Orchestra. It’s a bigger orchestra so more interesting instruments, their repertoire is probably more my style, and helpfully, they have fewer rehearsals in the lead up to each concert which means committing will be a bit easier for me.
I haven’t managed ballet yet this year but I feel like if I keep at the gym thing, that kinda counts too.
4. Booze: 75 days for drinking
Slightly ahead of where I’d like to be, but still more or less on track. I’m up to 24 days so far. I’ve also decided that even if I do end up going past 75 days this year, I’m still going to keep track, because it will give me a start point for next year. Progress is progress.
5. Reduce choices
This is a gradual process but I’m getting there. I am finding every time I manage to simplify something, I appreciate it and I enjoy the ‘new normal’ that results.
6. Graduate!
My next steps (apart from getting assignments done) are to complete this semester’s 4-week placement, and then get my application done and in for graduate programs next year. I will need to make some decisions in the coming weeks about my preferences. My preferences for hospital and health districts are easy, it’s my specialty areas that are making me think. Once I’ve done my placement I’ll have a good idea about whether I want to go for an emergency department role or stick with general medical. I might be over-thinking the process (moi??) but I’ll work it out one way or another.